Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I saw the newest Indy film last Sunday: the child in me was stupidly excited, having waited the best part of 20 years for Indy to once again buckle his swashes, crack his whip and generally raise merry hell among crumbling ruins while chased by caricature baddies with dodgy accents. So it was a great disappointment to leave the cinema after two hours of convoluted nonsense that paled against the original trilogy.

The film has everything you expect from an Indy movie: Beautiful and ancient locations, mysterious artefacts, camp yet dangerous baddies, car chases, death defying stunts and those cheesy one liners. Set piece chases leave you breathless, great special effects make you feel you’re there and some great scenery-chewing performances from support such as Cate Blanchett and John Hurt make you gleeful of the ride you’re on.

And yet, and yet… while the film is undoubtedly fun, it’s somehow… flat. This is probably more to do with the plot than anything. It’s simply way too complex for this type of movie. I don’t mean that it’s difficult to follow so much as there is simply too much exposition required to keep the adventure moving. In the previous films, the stories were pretty simple and you could work out what was going on if you turned the sound off – not so here. I find it surprising that after all the re-writes that they went through to get a story they liked, they ended up with this. It plays into the sci-fi world of X-Files and a hundred other theories about extra-terrestrial influence on early man. I think this was a bad call and the last act of the film that resolves it just left me thinking “WTF?” Indy has never been about aliens and frankly never should be.

As for the characters, well, they are all there, plus plenty of nods to previous people no longer in attendance. Yes, Sean Connery is in this movie… but only as a photo. The acting is a bit dodgy in places, but you generally don’t go to see Indy for Oscar winning performances.

A particular annoyance is Shia LeBeouf, the annoying brat from Transformers, called into play Indy’s son. He ends up undecided whether he’s Marlon Brando, Tarzan, or simply dazed and confused. The vine-swinging sequence was laughable, even for this type of film. Shia turned in a very dodgy performance. He’s not an action star, that’s for sure and has very little screen presence. The film hints that he could take on the mantle of Indy in future adventures: I sure hope not, he would destroy it.

Cate Blanchett was great as the Russian baddie, all chiselled jawline, scary eyes, black bob and mean with a rapier. She clearly had great fun playing this role and it’s quite a departure from her more serious stuff. John Hurt added some credence to the preposterous proceedings, though he was very underused. I couldn’t work out if he had really good ‘old’ make-up or he really looks like that these days. If it’s not make-up, he really hasn’t aged well! It was great to see Karen Allen back as Indy’s love interest, though some of their chemistry was lacking.

The thing that really didn’t work for me was the lack. Of what? Well, just the lack generally. For example, there’s a sequence where Indy hides in a fridge and is blasted out of an atomic explosion (yes, you read that right) – when he emerges, you expect a quip, but there’s nothing. Even the music was missing. And in a sequence where our intrepid team are braving three consecutive waterfalls, there’s no music at all. It made what should have been a tense, exciting set piece into a dull “get on with it” montage. As for the title: “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” – didn’t anyone tell Lucas that less is usually more?

I’m not entirely sure if all my criticisms are justified, or if it’s simply that as an adult, this new adventure simply can’t hope to hold up to my memories of the originals. Regardless, the film is fun and is worth seeing if you’re an Indy fan, just don’t expect it to be on a par with Last Crusade.